Looking for some answers…

I have read & read & read on the DD lifestyle. I am new in this type of relationship & new in the relationship itself. Long question shortened…. Please help me let go of being in control, I can not find anything that gives me ways to show my submission. We have rules (some) we incorporate spankings for my disobedience, but to try to help clarify.. we had to do away with the safe word because I was using it to soon & then still angry & sometimes more angry because nothing was resolved. I had been single (single parent) for 10 years prior to this relationship & I feel I fight myself in giving up the Control & HoHness as my Actual HoH would call it. Please Please Help me I am afraid our relationship is falling apart and it is all due to my Stubborn Jerk Behavior. My HoH says “straighten up” & I don’t know how… I don’t know how to stop my moods & my outbursts & my insecurities. I really believe that is part of why I want DD in my life.