Looking for some answers…

I have read & read & read on the DD lifestyle. I am new in this type of relationship & new in the relationship itself. Long question shortened…. Please help me let go of being in control, I can not find anything that gives me ways to show my submission. We have rules (some) we incorporate spankings for my disobedience, but to try to help clarify.. we had to do away with the safe word because I was using it to soon & then still angry & sometimes more angry because nothing was resolved. I had been single (single parent) for 10 years prior to this relationship & I feel I fight myself in giving up the Control & HoHness as my Actual HoH would call it. Please Please Help me I am afraid our relationship is falling apart and it is all due to my Stubborn Jerk Behavior. My HoH says “straighten up” & I don’t know how… I don’t know how to stop my moods & my outbursts & my insecurities. I really believe that is part of why I want DD in my life.

So.. My partner HoH & I are very new at this, which I am sure you read all the time.  I had been single for 10 years & have always had an interest in a DD relationship. I found exactly the Man I was looking for around 6 months ago thru an add I placed online, we have been working on LDD for the last 4 months. I am struggling so very bad, when I say something about how he handled me he tells me he is not Dominant enough (almost sarcastic)  & that I will not Submit.  I have many issues I need dealt with & all I seem to be accomplishing is making him feel like he can not do anything right & I feel even worse for making him feel this way.  Drinking is an issue I battled several years ago but for some reason (new relationship & nerves from being in it) I believe caused me to drink a few times.. we discussed that I was NOT to drink by myself AT ALL but I could drink with him (that I did & didn't want but didn't say) so last Thurs. I drank before he got home from work, fessed up cause that's what I do & he did punish me but thru the whole spanking all he kept asking me was... "did you say the safe word?  Is that enough?" until I just said yes & the safe word because I felt he felt I was just some freak with no pain receptors.  Then when it was over I asked for more alcohol & he got it & then I went complete black out drunk,  Now I have so much guilt & anger toward myself & I have the biggest wall & attitude put up that I think he is just gonna give up on me.  I tell him that if this is not what he wants I am fine, I love him & just want what makes him happy.  HELP US PLEASE!!   I want to have him as my HoH & I as his tih but I am lost & confused & really feel So Stupid.  He has punished me but not to the point were I feel submitted & I have not even shed one tear yet.  What do we do... ???